How to Raise a Beauty Queen/King the Pinoy Way

By Aby Yap

How can we raise a beauty queen worthy of world competition when we don’t even have Venezuela’s famed beauty schools with military-like training? When you’re nurtured with the wisdom of the elderly, the road to the Miss/Mister crown—with or without the tsunami walk—is not at all that difficult.

Presenting some tips in raising a beauty queen/king the natural Pinoy way sans the aid of Vicki Belo and/or Stella Araneta:

• For moms, formulate your game plan as soon as you learn you are pregnant. Look only at pretty people and/or their pictures. This should help you give birth to a cutie baby.

• For dads, never get your preggy wife angry or your kid might look like you. Again, this is a question of self-esteem.

• Once the baby is born, bury the placenta with a book (Please, pick one that has substance. If you’re a Twilight fan, settle for the dictionary), so she/he’ll grow up smart and won’t make a major, major blunder in the beauty contest’s Q&A portion.

• First beauty enhancement tip for the baby: trim your newborn’s eyelashes within her/his first three months, so they’ll grow long and curly. Think of how much you will save from eyelash extensions later on.

• Keep the child healthy. It’s never too early to take up rigorous physical fitness training, given our daily rice + everything oily diet.

• Pin a religious medallion to her/his clothing to ward off evil spirits. To someone who compliments your baby, say “Pwera usog” to prevent tummy aches. For additional vigor, bathe her/him under the rain come May—only if it’s still safe.

• Make sure that your future candidate doesn’t go home luhaan. Secure her/his chances of bagging the Miss/Mister Congeniality/Friendship trophy already. After baptism, display her/his christening gown at the reception for everyone to see so she/he’ll become sociable.

• For excellent oral communication skills that will wow all the judges but gross your kid out, (force) feed her/him a female pig’s cooked genitalia.

• For a pimple-free face that will your earn your up-and-coming beauty queen a Miss Photogenic (and you her disgust), beg her to wipe her first period blood on her face. Oh, and remind her not to take a bath every time her monthly visitor comes lest she goes crazy. (Can anything get crazier than this?)

• For smooth and sexy legs to wow the swimsuit round, never let your kid walk barefoot or she/he’ll have varicose veins as horrible as the roots of the Balete tree.

• For long, black, and shiny hair that’s the Filipina’s signature crowning glory, don’t allow your child to pluck out white hair—not even a single strand—or it will multiply by 10.

As always, try any of these at your own risk. Good luck and mabuhay!