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Hold it, kababayans! We don’t mean to discourage you from fulfilling your long-deliberated vows for 2016. Rather, the list aims to help you understand and/or confront the enemy: failing miserably at keeping your resolutions year after year when the whole wide world (aka www) already knows that there will be a New You.

Okay, it could also give you valid excuses why you should never come up with New Year’s resolutions ever again.

  1. Lose weight.

With everything carbohydrate and cholesterol-loaded that makes up the Pinoy’s staple food, there’s no weigh way you can achieve that Marimaaar! body you’ve been dreaming of in just a year. Either move to an island where no street food vendor sell their delicious stuff or gyrate with your hips every five minutes, awww!

  1. Be debt-free.

Mall sale + group coupons + stagnant wage + unbelievable tax + credit card (because you were tempted by the promise of a free umbrella) + 5-6 you owe your Indian “associate” = financial stress. Sad to say, the best things in Pinas aren’t often free.

  1. Get real.

Going out with loved ones is cool, but we’re the world’s most sociable race online! Remember, we have to hang on to the title. And with the traffic mess that plague our roads these days, it would be a million times wiser to socialize online where it’s free.

  1. Avoid tardiness.

Dear bosses, coming in late for work isn’t part of our plot to annoy you. Think: who’d want a salary deduction merely because of that? But every road that leads to you is awfully congested at any time. Even the MRT/LRT has ceased being cooperative, sorry.

  1. Drink moderately.

We know it by heart. Beer ads have done a remarkable job in reminding us. But we can’t just tell this to the tambays in the barangay once they offer us a tagay and a shot at videoke. We want to live healthy, but we also want to live longer.

  1. Party less.

There’s a reason why it’s more fun in the Philippines. We always find something to celebrate: Saint John’s feast, lechon parade, big brother’s first pay, small sister’s tree role in the school play, parents’ wedding anniversary, next-door neighbor’s cousin’s homecoming, etc. And it’s bound to be bongga!

  1. Breathe heartily.

So you finally ditched your yosi kadiri, good for you! It doesn’t mean, though, that your lungs will be completely free of toxins. You might still fall victim to second-hand smoking, smoke belching, and even to your neighbor’s garbage burning afternoon activity. Keep a gas mask handy.

  1. Give up gambling.

When you have a chance to be hundreds of millions richer for just PHP20, it’s tough to turn your back on lotto. So what if the probability of hitting the jackpot is only 1:28,989,675? You’ve got all days of the year to pray for it in Baclaran.

  1. Quit grumbling.

The PHP25-million Purisima mansion, Binay family’s world-class Makati City Hall, Bilibid’s luxurious kubols, Korina Sanchez’s tactlessness, Mar Roxas—are you sure you’re actually serious about this resolution? TV, radio, newspapers, the web, and your Facebook’s newsfeeds won’t be able to hide the objectionable truth from you.

  1. Stop the tsismis.

Maybe we’re just an innately curious lot. But how can you resist not knowing the current status of Coco Martin’s love life from A&A? Or the swanky socialite’s money troubles from Fashion Pulis? Or the new security guard’s history from your village’s friendly sari-sari store owner?

  1. End the drama.

As long as Amor Powers and Claudia Buenavista live on, there’s a crying contestant segment on noontime variety shows, and the one with the most kawawa anecdote wins the game, you’ll have a hard time turning your emo mode off. Embrace the reality: we’re suckers for tearjerkers.

  1. Trash touchy.

Pikon = talo. So you decide that you’ll no longer be a loser. But wait, three-fourths of Pinoys can’t differentiate a harmless joke from an honest comment! They’ll definitely gang up on you and declare you persona non grata in their municipality. Are you ready for that?

  1. Live in peace.

If your social life is existent solely on Facebook and Twitter, you might not be able to live peacefully ever after. With the parinigan going on among frenemies, snarky comments, and duh! status updates, you can only give a huge dislike for these nega stars, which they rightfully deserve.

  1. Act smart.

In these crazy times, acting smart doesn’t necessarily lead to smart results. You might even get the feeling of being lugi as the majority who fail to include this one in their annual list of resolutions, rules. A case in point: our roster of elected public servants.

  1. Realize resolutions.

If your government officials can’t keep their promises, why won’t you break yours? They’re supposed to be our role models! Ha-ha, that’s funny.

Seriously now, no more excuses. You’re Pinoy. You can rise to the challenge of accomplishing your resolutions—anytime you want, anywhere you are.

Have a fulfilling 2016!

15 New Year’s Resolutions You Might Never Keep as Long as You Live in the Philippines

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