We Know What You Do For Summer

By Aby Yap

You hide the body. Yours, of course (not unless you’re Dexter or Norman, then that would be another body, er, story). Whether you admit it or not, we’ll always know what you do every summer just to look and feel sexy on the beach.

No judgment here, buddy. We’re in the same boat. Let’s face it: not everyone is blessed to have  beach body genes—not when you’ve been programmed to eat sinangag and longganisa for breakfast, rice and any oily dish for lunch and dinner, and rice cakes for merienda. We’re bound to carry excess baggage aka bilbil anywhere we go, even to Bora. =(

But we can still get rid of the fat—for good or for Facebook. Game!

• Be the Biggest Loser

There’s a reason why the Lenten season occurs during summer. It’s to help you prepare to walk down the tough road to achieving the body that will squeeze into your newly bought bikinis. (So what if it’s two sizes too small? Miracles can happen.) You already abstained from meat on five Fridays and fasted during the entire Holy Week. That should be enough practice for when you go on a real diet with proper exercise, e.g. climbing 30 floors.

Yes, the tough road to becoming sexy is apparently endless. Turn away from your kain-kargador ways and stick to a diet that will work for you, i.e. what won’t make you see stars on a sunny morning and faint like no one’s watching. Go Cohen, eat the right kind of food based on your blood type, and lose P50,000+ plus some pounds. Or, pick Paleo and devour only protein, fiber, nuts, and berries like a caveman. You can also limit yourself to raw fruits and veggies or water and juice, or grow crazy and thin counting calories, or avoid carbs and sweets like sin forever.

If you cheat on your diet, a whip may come in handy. Think penitensya.   

• Apply Fashion Fixes

But since it’s more fun to eat in the Philippines with the lechon, sisig, and chicharon around, not everyone wants to be a loser. If we can’t be in good shape, the heck with being sexy! Round is a shape, too, and therefore we can be well-rounded anyway we want. Let’s just have fashion work its magic, abracadabra!

Bring out your black one-piece bathing suit. Not only can it provide you an air of mystery, it can also make you look slimmer. Never mind if it seems only an illusion; no one can tell since they’re all busy enjoying the beach. If you think you’re cheerier than the Addams Family, though, wear brown, blue, beige, or white as long as it’s a one-color outfit.    

Too plain? Then choose something with vertical or diagonal stripes—the thinner, the better—to create an elongating effect. Here’s a tip: find an #OOTD that has quite interesting details like a plunging neckline or a low back. For sure, no one would care about your big belly or titanic thighs because they’ll be busy gawking at something else.

If you insist on sporting the skimpiest two-piece, though, we won’t stop you. Just bring a malong to cover what must be invisible to the eye.

• Learn Photo Poses

So what if you’re svelte in person when you’re still stout in pictures? Ouch. Regardless of how much it hurts (or sounds stupid), the truth is that Facebook is the current reality. If they see you fat on FB, then you must be fatso in real life even you’re already starving yourself to death.

The key to appear slender in photos is body angling. Find your good side. Face the camera slightly sideways. Keep your arms away from your body. Push your chin out a bit or ask the photographer nicely to take the shot from above.

It also pays to use some common sense. Avoid being the closest person to the camera. This usually happens when you’re seated at either end of a dining table. Leave your third serving of morcon and move away from the photographer. Also stand next to people bigger than you, so you’ll appear small. And if you need to hide the bulge, conceal it with your bag or your girlfriend/boyfriend’s arm/s.   

There, you should be able to come up with Facebook-worthy cover photos without anyone commenting about your coca cola bottle-shaped, albeit 1.5 liter-sized, body and triple chin.

• Turn to Technology Tricks

Frustrated that nobody seems to perfectly capture you on cam despite being 100 pounds less this summer? Buy your very own selfie pod and take control of your pictures anytime, anywhere!

With this monopod, the most significant invention since fisheye lens, you’ll never have a weary arm or blurred selfie shots ever again. Plus, you won’t annoy anyone even if you get shutter happy taking photos of yourself at every angle while doing the peace sign and duck lips until you accomplish the #sexypicoftheday. Finally.

If all else fails, there’s always Adobe Photoshop to erase all extras.