Hello. My name is Annie B. And I am a fashionista.

Hello.  My name is Annie B.

And I am a fashionista. (Applause)

For a fashionista, life in Dubai can get very intense.  As in! As they say, you are what you wear.  That’s why a daster is connected to a feather duster – pang-Best in Day-Off, ika nga.

One Friday, I had to petsit Coffee – my neighbor’s puppy. Wow!  Paris Hilton has Tinkerbell and I have Coffee! I found the perfect outfit to hit the nearest mall – tank top, denim mini skirt, Manolo Blahnik-looking SM Parisian sandals and my faux Dior bubuyog shades.  I’ll show Dubai’s high fashion crowd what I’m made of!  Dizzizit, Paris B!  You are the universe!

Alas!  My would-be grand entrance turned into a major disaster!  While entering the mall, Coffee ran fast, disappearing into the crowd. So I did what any yaya would do – chase after my alaga, in my heels and shades!

Co-ffffeeeeee!!!  Co-peee!!!  Koo-pe!!! I began to lose my new British accent. I checked out this Optical Shop but they said they don’t sell coffee…just sunglasses.  Halleeer??? Then I tried the café – they told me to choose a flavor from their menu.  Grrr….

Oh nooo…what will my neighbor say?  Must find that doggy now… but wait – Mango has a Sale!!!  Coffee must have guessed from my outfit that I’m planning to go to Mango. Aha! Finding Coffee and sale outfits in Mango – hitting two dogs with one stone! Dizzizit!!!

The shop was filled with Pinays – like hungry amazonas hunting for their japorms and killer weapons. Of course, birds with the same feathers pack together! Go kabayans – attaaaaaack!!!

Half an hour later, two blouses, one cigarette pants, and last season’s in-demand maxi-dress – all at half price, still no Coffee.  I’m really in deep seat now!  And thirsty. And famissed. So I hit Starbucks and ordered a Grande Mocha Props, “decapitated, without whiff cream, please.” I was almost crying – where’s Coffee?  What to doooo?!!!

Then I heard barking from behind.  A bunch of teenagers were playing with a puppy.  Hey, it’s my Coffee!!!  She quickly jumped over the table and ran towards me. I spilled my propuchino over my tank top – qebs! – Coffee is back!!!  As I thanked the kids, I noticed security guards approaching.  Was it my shouting?  I posed like Paris Hilton.  Dedma.

“Excuse me, ma’am, no pets inside the mall.”

(Dedma pa rin.) “What?”

(In thick British accent) “What the bloody hell do you mean?”

“Take your dog outside the mall now, Ma’am.”

“But she is not an askal. She’s European-bread. Her name is Coffee. And this is Starbucks!  Hello, coffee?  Starbucks?  Halleerrrr??!!!”

But no amount of brand dropping convinced the guards that I should be sashaying down their corridors. “No pets allowed,” they slammed on my face. But what about those ‘pets’ carrying shopping bags inside?  Sure, they might be fashionistas, but Coffee looks better than them!

….

Annie B.’s Fashionista Guide

The Budget Fashionista

K-Mart (Karama), Carrefour and Lulu regulars.  Adventurous but budget-conscious.  Nothing wrong with that, just don’t get surprised to find dozens of your clones at St. Mary’s.

The True-Blue Fashionista

Signature-shoppers in Saks Fifth Avenue, Harvey Nichols and Villa Moda. High maintenance trends followers. Expect clones in places like Cavalli, Mahiki, even Spinney’s.

The Pinay Fashionista

Practical but clever, SALE regulars.  Whether in Zara, Mango or Giordano – you look cool without hurting your pocket! Great finds help them blend in with Dubai’s trendy crowd.  Just make sure not to sit across your clones in Acoustic Pinoy or Jules Bar.

The Kabayan Anti-Fashionista

Standard kabayan costume – oversized basketball jersey, puruntong and tsinelas topped by an April Boy Regino-esque bull cap. Perfect for a miting de avance at the barangay hall!!!  But puh-leazeee!! Is this outfit appropriate in a bar inside a hotel, whether two or five stars?!!!  Unless you’re ten and below, check yourself in front of the mirror before hitting the next club, honey!

Remember, you are what you wear.  A faux fur jacket with a sweaty and oily face, even in the middle of December will not make you a fashionista – unless you’re headed to Ski Dubai.